Forgiveness and Holding Grudges as a Christian

 By Emilie Gruben.

Photo Credits: Ann.

Nearing 3 years ago, something happened in my family that changed the trajectory of my life and others.’ Family gatherings were influenced, trust was broken, people were divided, and it has still not ever been the same. Sin breaks into beautiful, whole things and brings them to ruin, piece by piece. Often, though, the breaking is done to a collection of people, and the healing is left to the entire group. But sin is never so simple when it truly means to destroy. Division is an unexplainably powerful force of evil. Forgiveness comes when sin has thought it has won. And that is what we will talk about today. 

 

I never imagined that I would be forgiving something and someone multiple times a day. Every single day. But I think that is the thing we must learn from forgiveness, intended by God. It is not read in a self-help book, muttered mantras, calming meditation, or therapeutic exercises in private. Forgiveness must come completely from the heart, unexpected, unscripted, authentic, and selfless. It cannot be replicated, stopped, or forced or it is not real forgiveness. It must be open and public while remaining private and humble. The Bible says that our good deeds must not be like a gong, gaining recognition from others. Our forgiveness and compassion can be no different. It has to be a reflection of our hearts, indicating that we are forgiving as members of the family of Christ and not as individuals. 

We are to live by the Lord’s Prayer. I’ve been to many churches and homes where the gathered people recited the Lord’s Prayer each time they were together. Perhaps one of the most memorized passages, next to John 3:16 and the like. Luke 11:2-4, reading “So He said to them, ‘When you pray, say: Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done On earth as it is in heaven. Give us day by day our daily bread. And forgive us our sins, For we also forgive everyone who is indebted to us. And do not lead us into temptation, But deliver us from the evil one.’”

Clearly written, we are to forgive others as Christ forgave us. This is written in a different way in Mark 11:25-26. It says “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.” We are commanded to forgive. But why? How does it set us apart from others? Well, Ecc. 7:0 says that it sets us apart by character. “Do not be eager in your heart to be angry, For anger resides in the bosom of fools.” Like anger leads us to folly and poor characters in companionship, it leads us to ruin ourselves. The Bible tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger, meaning we mustn’t let the anger overcome us and harden our hearts. Our hearts must be soft, pure, and willing to love, again.

A quote that has changed how I see much of the world is by C.S. Lewis. An incredible author and theologian; he writes: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

 

This is the hardest thing for me. To not be angry and to forgive, and to be open and vulnerable enough to allow myself to be hurt, again. Because forgiveness must never end. We already know that anger is wrong and harmful. To hold anger only districts the person who wields it. In the end, having hatred and disdain for someone is so much harder to maintain than forgiveness. To put the effort and consistency into actively living in a negative mindset towards someone. You have them on your mind, constantly, if only to hate them. Forgiveness, even at its hardest, is always easier. 

Pride also plays a part in forgiveness. To forgive something or someone, you must first be humble. You must realize your own sin and shortcomings, and acknowledge your own need for forgiveness and mercy from both other parties and God, Himself. Two passages come to mind. Rom. 12:3, which says  “For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith.” And the other being “Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before a fall”- Pr. 16:18. Again, we see that our own anger and pride will be our downfall and not anything that others have caused. 

We can see this occur after God spared Nineveh, and Jonah scorns His decision. He is bitter when he finds out that the people who hurt him and he hated would be forgiven.  When God allows those things that have hurt us, continue on in prosperous lives or their own redemptive forgiveness, we cannot hate God for giving them mercy. We are sinners ourselves. We are hurt, ourselves. And hating others in our sorrow will only add more pain and make us at fault. In the waking hour of death, persecuted, abused, and tortured, Christ was never angry at His assailants. He never wanted them to feel His pain, or wished He’d never met them. He never tried to make them sorry for Him, or manipulated anything or anyone. But when put to death on the cross for the sins of the world, the only thing He did for his murderers was to ask His Heavenly Father, Lord of the Universe, to forgive them. (Luke 23:34a)

As always, our greatest inspiration and conviction is Christ, Himself. Commanded to forgive, advised to forgive, and then the visible example of forgiveness. When we put ourselves last, even in our hurt, we will reap the beauty of God’s mercy. We will begin to see others forgive in small ways that we wouldn’t have noticed before. We will be able to have joy in suffering and hope in the future. We will be able to put behind all earthly judgments and expectations to hold grudges, and instead treat people with love and compassion. 

But as with most things, we must use discernment and biblical wisdom with our forgiveness. Forgiving someone that hurt you does not mean that you have to “pray” yourself into being their friend. You do not have to put yourself in dangerous situations or go out of your way to include sinful people in your every day. Forgiveness in no way equals foolishness. But it isn’t always wrong. Sometimes you can’t help but be in those situations, and God will understand. I believe that forgiveness every day, repeatedly, will be pleasing to our Father. Broken homes, problems with siblings, and workplace interactions can all be examples of constant forgiveness that cannot be helped. Your forgiveness and endurance in trials such as these will not go unnoticed, even if it feels like it. 

Jesus ate with those despised by society, gave new hope filled lives to desperate people, and died for sinners. Our responsibility as Christians is to forgive as Christ forgave us. To await the coming Savior with no anger or resentment to be found in our hearts, blameless in the sight of God. 

 

 

 

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