Today's article goes hand-in-hand with Emilie's most recent Season of Life article, on the subject of school grades. It was written by Madeleine Burr, a friend of both Ann and Emilie, and we are excited to have her here. Thank you, Madeleine!
Tap tap tap. My fingers drum across my keyboard. Save. My paper is now complete. My mouse hovers over the submit button…waiting…waiting…in a rush, I click it. A rush of relief. And now the beginning of a new anxiety begins to take hold. This anxiety is simply, but aptly called anticipating-the-letter-grade.
On one hand, we are prone education is built on the letter-grade. Whether homeschooled, private schooled, or public schooled; whether online or in-person; whether middle school or college: letter grades appear to determine everything. I am a freshman in college. I graduated high school with a 4.0 GPA. I worked hard and flourished in tutorials and online schools and self-taught textbooks. I could not live with myself if I didn’t get an A+ in all my classes.
As with everything, there were pros and cons with this mentality. I pushed myself to excellence at all times, no exceptions. I never turned in assignments late, fought for extra credit in everything, and completely redid assignments when the letter-grade didn’t please me. I was known as that girl who got “A”s in everything and worked as long as it took to achieve excellence. The cons, if the reader hasn’t already guessed, sometimes stifled the pros. I was stressed constantly. I drove myself almost unhealthily, never satisfied. When people praised me, I mentally discounted it for niceties. Anytime I got less than what I considered to be a good grade, I turned my fury inward at myself. My friends tried to give me pep talks, and my mom always told me she was proud of me no matter what. But did I listen? No.
College, it turns out, is a different can of worms than high school. You do twice the amount of work for sometimes half of the result. My books by Plato, Aristotle, and Euclid were much more demanding than the Pride and Prejudice and Mere Christianity I read in high school. Two or more writing assignments were due every week, and the teachers could be very tough graders.
My first quiz in Logic class came back with a giant C- emblazoned at the top. I stared in disbelief. I had studied hours for this quiz with study notes and flashcards. How could this be? I thought the work I had done was more than a C-. I thought I was worth more than a C-. Wait a moment. Hold on. Did I just put my identity in a letter-grade? In a single quiz among dozens of other assignments, did I just assimilate my worth to a letter-grade?? A grade I would forget about in a few months, one that lasts about as long as the paper it was scribbled on? What a fool I had been, I realized.
It was then that I remembered this Bible verse: “The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” (Psalm 118:6, ESV) If I, as an image-bearer of God, am not to fear man, how much more am I not to fear a letter-grade? How much more am I not to allow it to take over my life, to become an idol in my heart?
I tucked away that Logic quiz and firmly instructed myself not to panic. I determined to evaluate what I had done wrong and to strive to correct it, putting faith not in my abilities, but in God.
Every time that twisting anxiety welled up within me, I prayed for God to take that anxiety from me. And I focused on things that do last: creating good habits, maintaining friendships, and most importantly, trusting Him who has given me all my worth.
Of course, by no means am I going to sit back and laze about. Hard work is crucial to good rewards; the key is to remember what gives lasting value.
A few weeks ago were the infamous Final Exams that summarized my first semester at college. I struggled hard and do admit to feeling a relapse of anxiety as my computer mouse hovered over that daunting submit button. But I can say that with God’s grace, I did not let that anticipating-the-letter-grade fear overwhelm me.
I encourage you, dear reader—wherever you are in your education—to do the same.
Madeleine Burr is currently a college student majoring in English and minoring in music. She was classically educated at home for her whole life and greatly enjoys music and literature. Madeleine is a performing musician and teach piano lessons. She also tutors in the fields of literature, history, poetry, and creative writing. She is a lover of long walks, in-depth conversations about the big questions of life, and books, books, and more books.
Find her website here: https://www.madeleineburr.me
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