By Ann Weaver.
When I was younger, my parents made my sister and me apologize to each other. One of us would have to say the torturous “I’m sorry,” and the other would be prompted to say, “I forgive you.” Whether we were truly sorry or did forgive the other person or not, the words were meant to remind us that we were supposed to do so.
Now, I can’t say this was effective as an actual sorrowful apology and forgiveness—it typically only made us angrier. However, I can say that it has made me think more about apologies now that I’m older and how they are misunderstood in this day of flippant words and careless actions.
Before we get into what forgiveness is and is not, we have to remember one thing: unforgiveness is wrong. Colossians 3:13 says that we should be “…bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.“
The problem is, many people believe misconceptions about accepting apologies. This skews their views on apologies and makes forgiveness feel wrong at times. Here are the top three:
The first is that it means forgetfulness. This is silly and often impossible. Whether the offense was large or small, it still affected you. It can’t be ignored just because someone apologized.
The second is that it means they’re affirming that the other person was right—especially if they haven’t apologized first. This is simply not true. If a sibling slapped you, forgiveness can still be given even though they were wrong to hurt you.
The third is that everything will go back to normal after an apology. Again, this might be impossible. If a friend gossips about you, they can be forgiven, but you probably won’t trust them for a while.
If all these beliefs are untrue, then you may be asking: what is true forgiveness? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary gives us two definitions: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) and to give up resentment of or claim requital.
This is a direct refutation of all three of those misconceptions. It shows us that forgiveness is not forgetting, affirming, or bringing things back to before the offense occurred. Instead, it’s letting go of anger and the right or urge for retaliation.
Not only that, saying “I forgive you" implies more than just giving up resentment. It should also carry more with it, because forgiveness is more than just words or feelings. It should also promise these three things:
1: You will no longer dwell on the offense.
One of the misconceptions we named was that forgiveness means forgetfulness. This isn’t true–but neither does it mean that you should be thinking about it all the time. Instead, put it out of your mind and pray that you will not go back to the hostility you might have held in the past.
2: You will not keep bringing it up.
Again, though you may not forget the offense, you don’t talk about it or keep it at the front of the relationship. You don’t refuse to help a sibling because they ruined your dress for the next few weeks—you continue to serve them and not allude to the wrong thing they did. It’s in the past, it’s forgiven, and you must move on in that relationship, even if the wrongdoing was large and you cannot go back to the way it was before.
3: You will not tell others about the offense.
Barring those who might need to know about the misdeed, such as parents or other people directly involved, forgiveness means that you should not be telling everyone else all about the bad thing the other person did. This is like the previous two points—it only keeps the offense at the forefront and feeds negativity in the relationship. Even if the other person is an enemy, it’s important to keep the offense quiet. Broadcasting it to others will not only hurt their reputation but also yours—and it’s simply a petty thing to do.
Why are these things implied in forgiveness? Because when you do any of these three things, you’re putting the wrongdoing back in the forefront of your mind and thinking about it continually. That makes it likely that you’ll become angry and resentful all over again, and then you’ll need to ask for forgiveness in that area as well. Doing any of these things after you’ve given your forgiveness is not that at all—and unforgiveness is both wrong and unhealthy.
If you are struggling with this, remember two things: first of all, Jesus tells us to forgive “…seventy times seven…”(Matthew 18:22), even if the person offends you in the same way many times. Secondly, don’t forget that any wrongdoing against you is nothing compared to the wrongfulness of Jesus dying without ever having sinned—and yet even in that, he forgave his offenders. (Luke 23:34). How can we hold onto smaller offenses when He did that for us?
With all this in mind, how can we truly forgive? First, pray for the humility and strength to extend this towards the other person. Ask God for pardon if you feel you have sinned against Him during this time. Then, extend your forgiveness towards the other person, vowing to let go of your anger and resentment and making the three promises in this article. In this, you will be truly forgiving, whether the other person accepts it or not.
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