By Ann Weaver.
Have you ever seen a Hallmark movie? If so, I bet you can already see it in your head, but if you haven’t, I’ll explain. Basically, every story goes like this: a woman is stressed about something. She probably lives in either the city or the country. Then a man comes along who lives in the opposite place. One of them happens to have a child from a divorce or death, and the other person bonds with the child over some running theme. Sparks are flying until they have some kind of disagreement, argument, or misunderstanding. Then one of them leaves the romantic relationship behind. But soon, that person turns back, or else the other person comes after them. They forgive each other, share a kiss, and the movie is over. All in the space of two hours. (Or in their world, a couple of days or weeks.)
These types of stories can be fun to watch. Sure, we know what’s going to happen. But that’s fine, because there’s always something slightly different. And besides, it’s a cute romance story. Most women—and many men—enjoy watching the movies because they’re sweet, interesting, and immersive. Besides, they always work out in the end. Who wouldn’t enjoy that kind of simple story?
What’s the problem with these movies, though? They feed us an unrealistic view of romance. We get to see the side of the fluttery feelings, sweet bonding moments, ridiculous misunderstandings, and dramatic returns. But we don’t see the other side of it. We don’t see the ordinary days, the annoying tics of the opposite person, or the arguments and forgiveness afterwards. In fact, we probably don’t even see the engagement, and we definitely don’t see them get married. Instead, we focus on the “fun” part, the romantic part, without looking at the realistic side of what we call romance.
When we forget the serious part of romantic relationships, we lose sight of these two truths: that the man will still be an ordinary person with flaws and that romance is not the end of all things. As young women, we are in especial danger from the lure of false romance as we see those around us becoming involved in these relationships. Some of our older readers may even have friends their age who are engaged or married. At that point, it's easy to begin imagining ourselves in others’ places, enjoying fun dates, receiving sweet emails and texts, and planning a wedding.
At the surface, it’s hard to see what’s wrong with those imaginings, especially if they all end with you getting married to the young man at the end of the story. What’s wrong with thinking about marriage? Most of us will face it, right, so why isn't it a good focus?
There are three reasons. The first is because when we foster an unrealistic view of romance, we are bound to be disappointed. When we see that he doesn’t fulfill every expectation we’d dreamed up, we will become discontented, frustrated, and likely a little angry—all things that will harm a marriage.
Secondly, a romantic relationship is not the end goal. It’s only the beginning. Once you’re married, this means commitment for life. It means submission as a wife to her husband, as said in Ephesians 5:22 and 25. It means following his lead, dealing with misunderstandings, and having days without any “romance” at all.
The third is this: The focus of a romantic relationship is not ourselves and how we’re feeling. It’s not about our husband and his goals and feelings. Rather, it’s to glorify and honor God. In the end, all marriages are symbolic of Christ and His bride, the church. (Ephesians 5:25-32)
With these three things in mind, we can see that we must be ready for a life’s commitment before we embark on the ship of finding a mate. We can still desire it—after all, it’s the Lord who gave us the gift of marriage. (Genesis 2:24) But we should focus on other things besides romance. First, we should focus on the Lord and His timing and will. Then we can focus on family, on friends, and on church. We don’t have to avoid the thought of romance completely, but we should keep the full perspective in mind, remembering the reality and avoiding the tempting lure of false romance.
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