By Ann Weaver.
Ever since we were born, our parents have told us “no.”
In the beginning, we were told "no" for simpler things. No, you can’t use the knife. No, you can’t play outside after dark. No, you can’t climb the tree.
Back then, the rules were clear-cut. Whether we knew it or not, most of them were just plain common sense.
As we got older, it turned into different things. No, you can’t have a sleepover. No, you can’t keep playing games all day. No, you can’t go to that event. These things are still important, and they’re still rules, but they’re not as black-and-white. After all, it’s obvious that a three-year-old shouldn’t be using a knife. But why can’t a ten-year-old have a sleepover? Especially when a friend that’s the same age can have one?
This is where opinion-based boundaries come in.
There are two types of perimeter lines: common sense and opinion-based. Common sense lines would be not sitting on a stove, not driving at 80mph on a country road, or not drawing on walls. Opinion-based boundary lines are more difficult to decide. They’re where things get blurry and everyone disagrees. This could be a rule for not reading books containing magic or not being allowed to have technology of one’s own. It’s where families differ, and children balk.
These lines often change as we grow older, from a combination of our parents learning new things and because we mature.
There comes a time in our lives when boundaries begin to fade or even disappear. Some may stay, with conditions. Perhaps you can drive somewhere by yourself, but you need to be home at a certain time. Or maybe you can date, but you can't be anywhere with your escort alone.
At some point, some matters begin to be left up to you. This could be anything from the books you read and the people you talk to. These things aren’t quite as screened as they used to be, and that’s where we have to form our own guidelines.
If we still live in our parent’s house, we still have basic rules; perhaps the time we need to be in bed or the way a certain chore is rotated between siblings. After all, we are living in their home, and they have every right to lay down ground rules. However, some things are left up to us. What types of books will we read? Which friends will we become closer to? How long will we dawdle on the internet when we have a deadline to meet?
Forming our own boundaries is a serious responsibility that we all have to learn. It would not be safe for our parents to allow us to live on our own without us learning how to form our own boundary lines. Without them, we open the door to all sorts of trouble. That could be trouble physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually.
When forming our dividing lines, we have to remember that boundaries vary between people. We don't need to compare ours to others. We have different strengths and weaknesses. For example, a sensitive person may not be able to handle seeing an open wound, but a hardier person can handle it. That doesn’t mean either person is better than the other. It just means that they each know their own strengths and weaknesses.
Boundaries can also vary in the reason the line is placed. Someone who is indecisive may need to avoid places where their views are debated. But an argumentative person may need to avoid the same places to avoid becoming wrapped up in debates.
So how can we find a basis for our boundary lines?
1: Read the Bible.
God has given us ten clear lines in the Ten Commandments. “Do not murder,” “do not covet,” and “do not steal” are only a few.
Besides those, he has other commandments woven throughout the Bible. Orders such as “do not love money” and “abstain from physical relations until marriage” are only a few. Search the Scriptures. Anything God tells you not to do is a boundary that you don’t have to make. God has already made it for you!
2: Listen to your conscience.
Do you feel a little unsettled about watching that movie? Do you try to hide that book from your family? Do you feel uncomfortable when that guy tries to pat your back? That’s your conscience giving you a twinge.
Pay attention to your conscience! It’s usually right. Don’t watch the movie. Throw away the book. Move away from the guy or talk to him about it. Don’t go against that inner voice. It’s giving you boundaries without saying a word!
3: Consult your parents for wisdom.
Your parents are the ones who made your original perimeters. Remember, they know your strengths and weaknesses better than anyone else. They know what might tempt you, strengthen you, or pull you down. They know what you can handle.
Here’s a suggestion: talk to them about it, rather than asking what you should do. Don’t just ask whether you should listen to the song or read the book. Yes, it will help, but it doesn’t tell you the reason. Ask why your parents think it’s wrong. You may learn something that will help you establish other boundaries as well.
4: When in doubt, don’t.
This is one of my mother’s favorite sayings. Sometimes the Bible isn’t specific about the thing you’re worried about. Your parents may have left it up to you, deeming it wise for you to make your own decision about it. You know the thing isn’t wrong, but you’re not sure whether you should do it.
In that case, your best bet is not to do it. As the old saying goes, “It’s better to be safe than sorry.” Abstaining from something is better than regretting a bad decision later.
Once you’ve established some basic perimeters, pray for strength to uphold them. You may wish to write them down, if you have anything concrete you’d like to remember or refer to. Know that there will be times you may not have a specific boundary line for a certain occurrence. When that happens, take a moment to pray for guidance.
Remember, as you grow older, your lines will continue to change. None of us have finished growing in the sense of maturity or situation. Circumstances change. Our maturity progresses. We grow older.
When you feel you should change a certain guideline, pray and think about it for a while. Ask yourself why you feel it’s right to modify it. Is it because you truly feel ready to expand this boundary? Or is it because you want to do something outside your usual limits? If it’s the latter, it may not be the best choice to expand your boundaries. Don’t forget you’ve made the lines for a reason.
In conclusion, remember your boundary lines and keep them. They’re for your safety and comfort. Don't throw them away or take them lightly! Their purpose is not to restrict you from doing fun things, even if it seems that way at times. They’re there to protect you. Look to the Lord for strength to maintain them. Boundary lines are worth it!
Good thoughts! There’s a good book on this topic titled “Conscience: What It Is, How to Train It, and Loving Those Who Differ,” by Andrew David Naselli & J.D. Crowley. There’s also a children’s book version titled, “That Little Voice in Your Head,” by Naselli. I appreciated the distinction the author makes between God’s rules and family rules. They can seem like the same set to kids (and adults sometimes). Depending where you live, it might be the rudest thing in the world to wear your shoes in someone’s home. When you can differentiate what kind of rule it is, we can be more gracious and understanding with others who are sincere Christians, yet they have landed on totally different conscience issues. Adiaphora. See Romans 14:1.
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